A Kountry Kristmas.

When it comes to the holidays, our families couldn't be more different. Wait, give me a second while I think real hard to come up with one single similarity about our family Christmases. Ummmmm, kay. Can't think of one.

Me: Baby?

K: Yeah?

Me: Can you think of one similarity between our family Christmases?

K: They are both spent with big families. And there is a big old ham at both. There is football watchin'...

Me: Wait! I did think of one....it's a good one. Drunk uncles of the redneck persuasion!

This was Kevin's first Christmas in Virginia with my family and my first in the last 5 years. My family is big (as in, there are lots of them), loud, chaotic, extremely funny, and parties hard. There really haven't been any set traditions in the last decade and usually the Christmas festivities just feel like one big old free for all when it comes to food and gifts. I love the unstuffy throw-downess of it.

Some of the standout moments:

- Giving my mom and stepfather a digital camera and my stepfather giving my mom one too. Sophie claimed ours as her own (Rosie got me I digital camera!) and ended up breaking it 24 hours later. The broken digital camera is now back in Denver with us.

- My mom giving Kevin my brother's bag of gifts and then having to take them back when she realized my brother only got one gift. (Kinda bummed, there were some super cute pillow cases in there!)

- I finally joined the year freaking 2006 and got an ipod. I also got some organic cotton socks, a necklace, a cookbook, an Eagle Creek travel thingy, some candles, ummm, can't remember what else. Oh.....yeah. A joke gift. A 1970s grow-your-own-desert garden someone got for .25 at a yard sale. And only because my mom claims to have read my blog entry about regifting. It also made it back to Denver.

- Going to take care of my mom's horses at my uncle's on Christmas morning and one of my other uncles already drinking solo cups of cheap red wine (it was 11 am). Sophie said he was being "weird." It was also pouring down rain.

- The dead coyote hanging in my uncle's barn that he shot. (I have 5 or 6 uncles, in case you're wondering...so when I say "my uncle" it does not necessarily mean the same one, though to Kevin, they were all one in the same, he couldn't keep them all straight.)

- The funky cedar tree Christmas trees that everyone has in Charlottesville (this one is compliments of Kevin). Hey, it's what grows in this part of Virginia. My mom just cuts hers off their land out in the country.

- Shots of apricot brandy. There are always shots of something. Rosie's family likes liquor. My own mother declared me "the drinking queen" to one drunk uncle. I don't know whether to embrace my family heritage or recoil in shame...

- My family's white elephant game. Some of the gems: socks, socks, socks, socks. Also, flashlights, umbrellas, gloves, a lava lamp, captain morgan glasses (I got, and they've already been regifted...), drill bits, some fancy soap from the early 70s (another regift compliments of my mother). Everyone gets really dramatic and showcases their selected gift with the utmost importance and flair and then offers running witty commentary on what others' are getting....totally fun.

- Five thousand pounds of meat to eat. Much of it actually shot and killed by members of my own family. People! Kev ate venison!

- My uncle getting shit from my cousin about dating girls in their 20s. "But I just want a friend." Ummm, sorta creepy. But funny.

- Going out until 3:30 am Christmas night with Patsy. We went to Miller's with a random assortment of folks and discovered that over half the table had a CO connection. K left us girls around midnight and we went on to Orbit, another bar that, without fail, offers a high school reunion-like environment. After a Jager Bomb (that's for you, Kath!), I approached a guy who was, like, the cockiest (read: hottest) guy in our school (and whom I also hooked up with once) and said: did I go to high school with you? Loser! (Him, not me). Always good to see those who were "the bomb" in HS and know that they don't have half the life you do.

Alrighty, that about wraps up Christmas. And that's only one day! I'm telling you, there is really never a dull moment when I go home. Never.

Snafu-free travels. Or, Kevin's quick thinking and smooth rapport saved Christmas.

HEY!

We're home!

It is a blessed fucking miracle that we made it to Virginia and back. Last Saturday morning at DIA was unlike any airport experience I have ever had. We got there 3 hours in advance and it still wasn't enough time. We waited in the line for Frontier for over an hour, waited in security for another hour, then were told that we still had another 2 hours in security to go. The line wrapped all the way around the entire terminal! Maybe this is old news to some of you. But jesus! It was total insanity. Luckily we both got through to Frontier on our cell phones while in line to ask what we should do, because clearly we were not making our flight. My lady said there was nothing we could do, but Kevin's lady told us to get out of line and go back upstairs and find a Frontier agent immediately. So, that's what we did and lo and behold, Kevin found a very nice lady named ROSIE who walked us straight past everyone in the 3 hour security line and straight through to our gate. I literally cried. What a relief. Unfortunately our plane was half empty because of all the people still stuck in lines.

If you're ever in that situation heed my advice: Do not wait in line! Go find someone and tell them you need to get on your flight PRONTO. Apparently they walk people through all the time. Well, not all the time....Rosie told us she wasn't supposed to do it since they were so slammed with people, but she "wasn't doing anything at the moment, so why not?" She also had just gotten in and hadn't been stranded or working during all the apeshit closed-airport craziness, so she was still in cheerful mode.

And guess when we got back? Last night at 8 PM. They did not cancel our flight, thankfully. But let me tell you, I was freaking out on landing. There was close to no visability, turbulence, and we landed on straight up 3 inches of snow, no pavement in sight. I seriously do not know how they were getting planes in and out of there.

Anyway, I've never been so happy to be home in my life! We picked Lucy up this morning from the dawg pound and now we're all cozied up at home once again, as neither of us had to work today because of the snow. By the time I get back to work I will have had 2 weeks off, but only have had to take 2 vacation days.

Oh yeah, and the rest of the trip was good, but you'll have to hear about that later.

Another afternoon of me and Big O.

OK, so this marks the 3rd afternoon in a row I've parked myself on the couch in front of Oprah with a big yummy glass of Syrah. I could totally get used to this.

NOT.

(Once again, I thought Borat was hilaaaaaarious.)

Clearly I didn't have to work again today. Uggh, I'm going stir crazy! I ventured out this afternoon, though, to two of the worst possible places: Target and Applejack Liquors. Actually, Target wasn't that bad. It was Applejack where all the mayhem was happening. They guy in front of me bought $586.03 worth of liquor! I, on the other hand, got money back in the form of $75 cash....deposit from the keg that NO ONE DRANK. Note to self: if you get a keg, make that the ONLY thing to drink. People will ALWAYS choose the hard stuff.

(An aside: I just love that the American Idol girl is nominated for a Golden Globe for her role in Dreamgirls. Such a nice story. Speaking of nice stories, while watching the Today Show this morning I cried a huge veil of tears over a dog that saved his owner who fell while running in Utah. Luuuuuuucy. Mama loves you. Mama is so sorry you have to go back to The Daily Wag this week. Mama promises we will watch 8 Below again next week.)

(Holy fuck I am watching too much TV.)

Get me out of this house!

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will leave the house. I will leave the house for 5 days, to be exact. Tomorrow all will go well for us whilst flying the friendly skies. Tomorrow we will not be grouchy or angry or call Denver a "third world country" like some mean lady just did on TV. Tomorrow we will accept our Christmas fate.

In the meantime, I'm off to oprah.com to enter her ticket giveaway sweepstakes. I know, you're all so smart: I'm exactly the kind of girl you think I am.

Cabin fever not yet in full force, but getting there.

Last night we (I) decided to give Lucy and Biggie Purrs their stockings. Here's Lucy surrounded by all her new toys - she particularly loves the pink stuffed poodle and has been carrying it around for the past 24 hours.


Purrs looks less than thrilled with his loot. He tells me he's just too old for toys and would prefer some straight up kitty crack, thank you very much.


Front porch last night around 7 PM.


Back porch yesterday around 3 PM.


Back porch today at 10 am. 24 inches!!


Lucy still got her nightly walk - she loves this shit!


Shoveling snow. His half, anyway. I've yet to get out to do mine. But I will - it's my workout today!


Home sweet snowed in home!


Obviously no one had to go to work today. On a gloomy old day in February, this would have rocked, but now, with it so close to the holidays, I'm just feeling antsy. So much to do! We fly out Saturday and at first I was like - oh, we're golden, but now? I don't know. DIA is still closed. The mail isn't running either and nothing is open for the boyfriend who hasn't done any shopping. Errr! So typical. I guess I can always blast some Xmas tunes, wrap my gifts, pack, clean the house, and continue to entertain you with more boring pictures of snow.

The state of things.

Dudes, where to start? So much has gone on over the past week. The one thing that hasn't budged, however, is my perpetual state of stress and grinchiness.

GRINCHINESS. As in, wake me up when this crap is over.

At this point I kind of feel like I've missed the boat on regaling you with tales of Kevin's dad and his girlfriend and their visit, along with anecdotes of their general lack of desire to try anything new. (And I can't help but ask: who the hell hates Mexican food?) I mean, they are nice and all but have absolutely nothing in common with us. Believe me, I kept this in mind as I tried very hard not to get offended at his dad's comments about my cooking. Canned and boxed foods are just not things that appear on my menus.

I could tell you about our graduation party, but I sure as hell don't remember much of it. Once again, I set myself up for disappointment. I know that those who came said they had a great time, and if it weren't my party I would have too. But, there were several people whom we consider pretty good friends who either RSVPed yes and didn't show, or read the evite and couldn't be bothered to respond. I took this really personally for some reason. I know it's a busy time of year and maybe I should have given them a personal phone call, but still. I can see if you've read the damn evite and as long as you've opened it you may as well respond! (These people don't read this blog regularly so don't think I'm being all passive aggressive!) But I am really glad that those of you who came, did =) I probably just shouldn't have skipped dinner and moved straight into those tequila shots.

And I could go on about the stress of packing up and boarding Lucy and paying someone to shoot up Biggie Purrs and flying clear across the country AGAIN for over a thousand dollars, but really, I do care greatly about seeing my family (most of them, anyway) and old friends and once I get there it'll be super fun, provided no one waves a shot of Reposado beneath my nose. (Hear that, girls?)

Siggggggghhhhh. I go through this shit every year. At least next year there will be no travel. NO TRAVEL. Unless it's to Mexico.

Anyway. Oh my lands, y'all! We are having a BLIZZARD. Normally I hate snowstorms and the traffic and travel snarls it causes, but today we get to go home at lunch! I am going to drink wine at 3 PM and finish my crafting in my cozy warm house with my cozy warm pets and maybe watch Oprah, or a movie. And I will eat cookies and chex mix so I look nice and fat to all the people back home who haven't seen me in awhile! Snow days are nice, and I hope we get one tomorrow too.

**Snow Update**

Just got home and it is TREACHEROUS out there. Blowing snow and you can't see beyond the car in front of you. There are lots of cars off the side of the road and people not being able to stop, driving fast, sliding. I don't see how anyone with 4WD even made it. Thank god for my Subie!! I white-knuckled it all the way home, while at the same time silently cursing the fact that we even had to go in at all today. Totally a poor management call. And since practically everyone closed at lunch, it's basically rush hour out there. Kev's office already closed for tomorrow and mine better!

Oh the drama and hype of it all! They're dubbing this the "Holiday Blizzard" - cheese!!

More later, considering I'm trapped in the house for the next 24 hours. Unless Highland Tavern is open....heehee.

Finally we have free weekends together.

he did it!
Originally uploaded by Rosalicious.

Yay Kev!

More later...

Joys of fundraising.

This just in:

"UP YOUR FUCKING ASSES!! I JUST SPENT $3,465 TO HAVE MY LEFT FOOT AMPUTATED!!!! AND NOW YOU WANT MONEY!!!"

And that's one of the tamer ones I've gotten.

And so our crazy weekend begins.

Guess where we went to dinner last night???

Hahhahhhhhhhhhhhha! Or, maybe I should say, guess who's in town?

Well, based on my previous post about RL, you could either conclude my dad's side of the family or Kevin's dad, but seeing as Kev is the one with the big milestone this weekend, let's go ahead and guess KEVIN'S DAD and HIS LADYFRIEND. Cha-ching!

And we totally weren't expecting them until today. But no, they called yesterday: We're in town! Annoying, as *I* had a bunch of stuff I wanted to do last night, but they insisted on taking us to Red Lobster. Which, of course, now you know how much we love Red Lobster...

They're also staying all the way out in the Federal Center/Lakewood. Um, we live downtown where there are like 20 gazillion hotels in a 5 mile radius! They wanted to save some money (Kev's dad is all about coupons and ARP discounts) and will only stay in a Hampton Inn, so Lakewood it was. At least they have a rental car.

Oooooh, I'm so bad. I'm not really allowed to whine and bitch because they're not even technically my in-laws.....yet! Ha ha. We're having them over for dinner tonight (salmon, potatoes au gratin, haricots verts, wine). On top of that, I've been busting my balls to get food purchased, the house cleaned, Xmas dealt with, the graduation party planned....there simply aren't enough hours in the day. And I haven't been to any of my classes (except yoga) this week, mainly because they're refinishing the floors at the gym, but also because of time and mittelschmerz, so I haven't been on my regular workout schedule either and now I feel like a big fat hoss.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone has seen the movie Just Friends, but I can't get a line from that movie out of my head, and it's good because it makes me laugh everytime I think of how Anna Faris said it:

YOUR NAMES ARE CLARK AND DARLA?

Merry Christmas to me!

I just gave my Christmas present to myself. Get ready, it is a super exciting gift, one my self has been hot and heavily coveting for the past 3 years...

A new car windshield!

She loves it!

Speaking of super exciting gifts, I just talked to my mama, who informed me she was "wrapping up" stuff they didn't want around the house to give to all us kids. REGIFTER!* I had to tell her we didn't want a bunch of regifted crap, not because it's regifted, but because it's CRAP. We don't need anymore decorative shit, no more tchotchkes, throw pillows, knick knacks....CRAP. Only incredibly useful and/or entertaining stuff. Or original art - that's acceptable too.

Normally the woman has good taste, I'll give her that. My mom is an artsy person with lots of artsy friends...and you'd think her house was really cool if you saw it. However, I simply cannot forgive the time she unloaded a bunch of used CHRISTMAS stuff on me by including them in my birthday (which is January 4th by the way...mark your calendars!) package. Nope, I haven't gotten over that one. Sorry, Ma! Not allowed to sneak your unwanted stuff on me anymore!

Although, it is a fairly clever strategy for purging yourself of useless gew-gaws. If your gew-gaws are presented as a gift then one feels a stronger obligation to accept it, no? Even though you suspect it might be a regift? Well, not us. Not this year. Even though my mom spent a few minutes trying to sell me on the depression era glass shot glass set she had available, I said that if we were going to take anything off her hands we were going to have to SEE it first and actually CHOOSE what we wanted.**

Otherwise, it's gifts like new car windshields all the way, baby.



*Maybe it's not technically a regift if the item was never a gift in the first place. Maybe it's just a straight up used gift.

**Let me emphasize: this doesn't mean I'm too good for a regift. Hell, I'm all about recycling. I just don't want to be the middle man to the trash can, ya know?

Nada.

Nothing too exciting to report today about the weekend, I'm afraid. We were the lamest of lame and clearly that lame has carried over into my Monday because

I GOT NOTHING.

Well, almost. Maybe I can muster a run-on paragraph devoid of any wit or humor. Maybe a bulleted list? Maybe a meme? Maybe a Christmas quiz? Maybe y'all can just go ahead and ask me some questions before I freak out on my own lack of charisma today.

Alright, a little run-down it is, but don't say I didn't tell you so:

On Friday night I basked in the glow of the tree and drank wine and wrote my Christmas cards. Hush now. I will always, always send handwritten Christmas cards. I will kill trees and I will burn fossil fuels and come hell or high water I will get my cards out. (And I know this is out of chronological order, but in a moment of temporary shopping apeshit craziness yesterday, I bought Where The Wild Things Are cards. MONSTERS for Christmas?! What the hell was I thinking? They're going back.)

On Saturday morning we had a YUMMY breakfast at Duo before morphing into the kind of people we hate- Americans! Ha ha. We went to THE MALL. Ick! Poo! Yuck! Remember what I said earlier about that shit?!? Lord. We temporarily went insane and then went to ANOTHER MALL. A strip mall! The best kind! Michael's Crafts! Ross! Old Navy! Whole Foods! Six and a half hours of bullshit! Then we came home and went directly up to North Star Brewery and got drunk. We crazy.

Yesterday was just as riveting. We cleaned. We watched a cheesy movie (Just Friends). We watched the Broncos get spanked. We ate pizza. I ironed. In fact, I even ironed Kevin's clothes too for today is his first day of work! I sent him off all crisp and professional-looking. Do YOU iron YOUR man's attire? And I gave him his graduation prezzy yesterday too...a Swiss Army watch. Dude, I am THE BEST girlfriend EVER.

Two very good reasons I don't work out on Wednesday nights.

This morning I sat in a glass box (at times, sealed) for an hour with a noseclip fastened on my schnozz and a tube in my mouth (at times, with no air), breathing in all speeds, forms, and manners.

It was deeply traumatizing.

(But hey! I'm ready for snorkeling!)

The best part, however, might have been when, as I stood up to leave, the respiratory therapist goes, "You only weigh XXX? I wish I only weighed XXX." Was she implying that I look fatter than what I really weigh or just being borderline inappropriate?

* * *

C'mon fess up: who's watching The Real World Denver? Don't give me that Real World sucks crap (OK, Real World sucks), you know you want to see what kind of light MTV casts our wonderful city in...

I, of course, am watching. No surprise there. But god, I'm gonna be the first to tell you that it is soooooooo boring! The cast is lame. I hate the kid who wears pink wife-beaters and calls himself a playboy. He sucks and has bad posture. And the cheerleader girl - fugly. And the Jersey girl - ew. And so far, they haven't shown any place remotely interesting or unique to Denver. And what's with all the transition shots of horse-drawn carriages? Dude, this isn't Charleston. Horse-drawn carriages are not our thing. And there are lots of shots of the butt of the 16th Street Mall bus. Jesus, I freaking hate the 16th Street Mall! They totally aren't capturing the Denver scene at all.

That said, I'm still hooked.

Unyogic moments.

I opted out of asskicking, er, kickboxing, last night and went back to the lovingkindness of my yoga studio. Except, it wasn't really all that lovingkind last night due to the BAD ENERGY factor of the chick sitting/laying/rolling around next to me.

She was new to class, and her husband too. Let's call her Valerie, because hell, that was her name. Val and her husband were all picture-perfect yoga-y with their fancy mats and yoga props and tie-dye outfits and biodegradable water bottles. (Fuck. Whatever. I like all that stuff too.) Now, usually most of us come in, lay down our mats, sit cross-legged, and chat with our neighbors while we wait for class to begin. They come in, lay down their mats, and whip out props and asanas and fancy breathing exercises, well before the class even begins.

(OK, I'm trying to set you up with an image here. Bear with me.)

One thing I love about my yoga class (and my teacher) is that it's a really good strong balanced Vinyasa practice, with serious instruction, but at the same time it's also laid-back and fun and people are encouraged to laugh and just go with it.

(Although last night a guy burst forth an enormous toot during a spinal roll and nobody laughed then.)

Anyway, once class got going, my teacher came over and made an adjustment to Val's pose (I believe it was down dog), to which Val responded, very loudly and very snippily, "I would appreciate it if you didn't touch me without my permission!"

I know this is normally a pretty reasonable request, you know, if you happen to walk down the sidewalk and someone random goes in for a hug. But c'mon now, I have never ever been to a yoga class where the teacher didn't make any hands-on adjustments. That's just the way yoga is. And please! It's not like she grabbed her va-jay-jay either. So after this, the chick proceeded to snarl and sneer all through her practice, tossing around her bad vibes like Luke Skywalker and that laser thingy he wields (OK sci-fi dorks, give it up, what's it called?!). She even moved her blanket away from me because I was touching it. And here I was, thinking she was SUCH a true yogi, what with all her expert-looking moves and gear.

Still, it doesn't top this unyogic moment: my mom was driving once and was on the receiving end of some serious road rage from another woman driver. Once my mom got to the traffic light and was next to the woman, she discovered that the lady with the case of road rage was none other than her YOGA TEACHER, whom she knew very well.

I know the true yogic thing to say/think is that yogis are people too. But hello? The irony is not lost on anyone.

Mardes.

I am prone to winning things. Yeah, you just might call someone like me a WINNER. Ha! Seriously. Over the years I've won lots of things: concert tickets, money, books, shoes, even a go-cart. At a golf tournament this summer, I won a night's stay at The Table Mountain Inn and an accompanying gift certificate to its restaurant. So, this past Saturday night, Kev and I used it.

First of all, the shower in our room kicked ass. I got drunk and took a picture of it. I think I want a shower like this someday.

(I was drunk because at the hotel bar I whined that my margarita wasn't strong enough - well! It wasn't! - so the bartender poured a gallon and a half of Jose in it to shut me up....and....it worked. Or, didn't. Drunk people talk a lot. Right?)

Second of all, the free Aveda products! Picture worthy? Probably not, but Rosie like.


We brought Lucy. What, don't most parents bring their children to a romantic night's stay? No? Well what can I say? She likes to watch.


Kev wore his best sweater vest to dinner.

(Ha! I am such a liar. That picture is from Thanksgiving. I just wanted an excuse to use it. So I made one up. Still, Kev! Look how cute he is in that thing!)

Good thing he didn't put sweater-vest effort into this particular dinner, because we ate at a yucky restaurant that kind of resembled Shoney's (I feel bad saying that, since they just recovered from a fire and all). To compensate for the dinner disappintment, we traipsed around Golden (ahem, where I also happen to work..) in the snow and ice, taking shots at various bars, playing pool, and generally carrying on with our drunk selves. Bad bad. At least I didn't launch into any fundraising sermons to unsuspecting undergrads, as I have been known to do before around Golden! My hangover on Sunday I'm pretty sure was close to epic, but we still managed to brunch, Kev even proclaiming his breakfast the best he's ever had.

We also put up our Holiday Tree.


Wow, it looks awfully similar to last year's, doesn't it?

Notice this year I am not using the cheesin' silver bow perched atop. My tree top's naked! Maybe it needs a fugly Target star after all.

And take a look at this stinker, would you?


Lucy's naughtiness is deceptively cute, I'm aware. But naughty she is! Already she's eaten 2 ornaments off this year's tree. Kevin starts work full-time next week and I think she's going to destroy the whole damn tree when she figures that one out. At least Biggie Purrs doesn't climb Holiday Trees anymore, I'm thankful for that. He just likes to pee on the tree skirt....ha ha. Fun with pets!

Does anyone else have their tree up? Live or fake? I mean, artificial....

Also, what does it say about my state of mind that I've skipped Yoga for the past 2 Tuesday nights to go to Kickboxing instead?

Also also, (I always do this at the end of my posts, get all amped to squeeze in just one more unrelated topic) a vendor just walked in and gave me a Christmas gift and it is a book called Yes!, because it's "dedicated to all our clients to whom we always try to say Yes!" I really don't like little inspirational gift books. For the record, and all. I mean, does anyone?

Where's my cookie?

Um, yeah. I almost forgot:



Besides the fact that I didn't win any prizes, I rule.

Bullseye.

Fuck. I broke my own rule. ALREADY.

Kevin called this morning, accusing me of stopping up the upstairs bathroom toilet (which of course I did not, because my poos are small and dainty and smell like roses!). He then declared me responsible for procuring a plunger since our new house is plungerless and so.....where else does one go to buy a plunger over their lunch break but TARGET?

I am in the door for 5 seconds before the dollar aisle seduces me, and the next thing I know, my basket is mysteriously filling itself with cute felt holiday bags and sequined boxes and holiday toys for Lucy! Not content with stopping at the dollar aisle madness because hell, at this point I may as well rebelliously throw stupid holiday shopping rules to the wind, I fruitlessly scour the crowded toy aisles for a non-plastic toy camera for nephew James, after which I move on into Christmas card territory and then, not finding anything suitable or artsy enough there, debate over Christmas tree stars for a good 15 minutes for a Christmas tree we haven't even bought yet. I finally deposit the cheap fugly star I don't need in the lightbulb section, choose an un-age appropriate birthday card for my sister (kitten sitting on yarn?), locate a red Rubbermaid plunger, toss in a 3-pack of O-Cello sponges, order a Starbucks, and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

I suck! But Target, Target does not because apparently, I am a prime example of their tremendous success. The holiday spenderiffic freaker.

On the drive back to my office I remembered there was in fact a plunger under the bathroom sink and that I really didn't need to go to Target in the first place. So ultimately, my slip in judgement is all Kevin's fault. He should know better!