A hellaciously long post, a lot of talk about Red Lobster.

Last night I went to a happy hour party where they had something called raclette. Ever had this? Me either. I'd never even heard of it. It is awfully tasty, despite the pervasive, overpowering odor of ASS it emanates. I don't think I'll ever host a raclette party because I am super-conscious of bad smells, but if any of you do, I'll still come. I might be wearing a surgical mask, but I'll be there.

(A word to the wise: set out a bowl of digestive enzymes for your raclette-eating guests. My pipes are all fucked up today!!)

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Over at Mighty Girl today, people are commenting about movies they think are smart and sunny. Well, someone recommended Just Like Heaven, a movie we just watched this week. They said it was "smart." People. This movie was like THE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN. Jesus. It was so bad I wanted to cry. And I have a pretty high threshold for bad movies. Even more of a bummer was that it starred my 2 favorites.

Someone also recommended The Squid and the Whale, which we also watched this week. OK- it was a great movie. But sunny? This movie totally hit home for me. It kind of wrecked me emotionally for a few hours, actually. I wrote about it. Maybe someday you'll read it. Being from a fucked up family really sucks.

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Someone has tickets for us to go see a band tonight called Pee Pee. PEE PEE! Um, I don't think so. With a name like that, they don't want someone like me there, what with my mentality of a 13-year-old boy and all.

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This Sunday is Kevin's birthday....the big 32! I do love older men.

To celebrate, we are going to Kevin's very favorite restaurant, Red Lobster.

For Christmas last year, Kevin's dad's girlfriend gave him a gift certificate to Red Lobster, because she knows how much he likes it. On our trip home from Cincinnati (where we spent Christmas), we stopped in Topeka Kansas for the night. And what do you know? A Red Lobster was just down the street from the hotel! There was an hour wait (only in Topeka!) so we sat at the bar and got hammered. Then we ate shrimp soaked in five gallons of butter and wilty iceberg lettuce salad and deep fried flounder and those delicious stiff, cold cheese biscuits. And $30 only goes so far at RL, even if it is just RL, so when all was said and done we blew almost $100 at Red Lobster.

Now, what's true in the above paragraph?

Well....

We DID get a $30 gift certificate.
We DID get wasted at the bar in the Topeka Red Lobster.
Our meals WERE about 25,000 calories each.
We DID miscalculate how far the $30 would go.
We DID feel very ashamed for spending too much money at the Lobsta'.
We DID feel very midwestern American and I think we may have even discussed going to Wal-Mart after our high class meal.

(God, sorry. I am starting to get snotty. The gift certificate was very nice and we actually had a very good time. It came in handy on our road trip and seeing as we probably wouldn't be caught dead in a Red Lobster in Denver, the Topeka location was just perfect. And it was better than eating at a Waffle House.)

So, the only thing UNTRUE is that K really likes it! Um, he hates it. Me too. HATE. On the other hand, both of our families happen to think that Red Lobster is L-I-V-I-N. Guess we know where we're going when the clans get together. Really looking forward to it.

We are actually going to Gumbo's for the birthday dinner because Kev really wants Cajun food. It's a chain and therefore I am experiencing hesitation of the food-snob variety. Has anyone been there? The menu looks OK, I think.

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And one last little Red Lobster memory, just because it's Friday and all. My dad's family goes to the RL for every holiday, birthday, anniversary, whatever. It's always and ONLY Red Lobster. Only the best, you know!

A couple years ago we were there for my grandma's birthday. Our waitress was a big dykely lady named Bob. (Please excuse my lack of PCness, but seriously. The chick was large and in-charge. And she asked for it by calling herself BOB.) I was very nice to Bob, saying my pleases and thank yous and generally just being my nice-to-waitstaff self. Compared to the indifference of my family (while not exactly rude, they definitely don't exude charm), my pleasantries must have had quite the effect, sending her roaring into the ladies room with an insatiable urge to masturbate.

I'm KIDDING. Lord, I have no idea what's wrong with me today.

Anyway, whatever it was resulted in Bob slipping me her number! And then! She sent a waitress friend out into the damn Red Lobster parking lot, where I was surrounded by my ailing elderly relatives and bible-thumping cousins, to ask if I was interested in A DATE. A DATE! With Big Bob! I politely said no thanks, I'm taken, and handed the number back.

Well, word immediately spread between cars and I stood there wanting to die while my homophobic family ROARED. That is, everyone who could hear. My grandpa, bless his heart, couldn't hear and looked confused. My dad screamed "THE WAITRESS BOB JUST ASKED ROSANNA ON A DATE!" Um, and grandpa still looked confused. "BOB HAS THE HOTS FOR ROSANNA, SHE IS A LESBIAN!"

(My boss totally just walked in and I just typed LESBIAN in all caps. I think I better go.)

I think grandpa finally got it. The end.

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TGIF! I've drug myself through this week with big old metal balls chained to my ankles. (Figuratively speaking.) I am mind-numbingly bored. Skull-crackingly unchallenged. Ready to stay home and make babies.

Take that with a grain of salt, y'all. But I will say that at the gym the other day I looked longingly at the mommies playing in the pool with their kids, knowing I had to come back and sit in this quiet office of darkness and lame. Being a SAHM looked really fucking good right then.

I had a momentary glimpse of hope today when I realized that this life isn't forever. I need to stop fretting about the future and just be here today. I'm missing it all.